"Wala na...talo na talaga ako..."
...susuko na ang Oppa.
Gusto ko lang naman kung ano yung nakakapag-pasaya sa kanya. At wala rin naman ako sa posisyon para pigilan ang nararamdaman niya. Dahil hindi naman isang teleserye ito tungkol sa nanay na walang ginawa kundi hadlangan ang gusto ng anak.
Ang tangi ko lang magagawa ay ang suportahan siya sa kung anu man ang gusto niya... at alalayan sa oras na nalulungkot at nasasaktan siya, Yun lang.
Dahil napamahal ako... at hanggang dun lang yun...
Mapaglaro ang oras... at lalong-lalo na ang aking puso at isipan.
Pinaglalaruan ako ng tadhana... at pinapaasa...
Isang babae... na nasalinan nang kakaibang dugo, lumaki nang may gulo sa isipan... may sikretong hindi nalalaman ng kung sinuman... at may problemang mag-isa lang niyang pinag-dadaanan.
Lahat ng mga taong gusto niyang makamit ay parang isang nagliliwanag na bituin sa langit. Hanggang tingin na lamang ang ganda nito at hindi kailanman ito makakamit.
Kung tutuusin ay napakalaking problema na ito, at maaaring mahantong sa isang kamatayan. Pero paano niya nga ba nalagpasan ito? Paano niya nalalabanan ang kanyang lungkot at pighati?
....dahil meron siyang malasakit sa sarili niya at pati na rin sa ibang tao..
...dahil alam niya na darating ang solusyon sa harap niya....
... at walang sawa siyang naghihintay.
Pinilit niyang maging normal... pinilit niyang i-balanse ang sarili niya. Pinilit niyang maging kaaya-aya sa mga mahal niya sa buhay.
May mga nakakaintindi pero hindi alam ang rason... at may iba na alam ang rason pero hindi nakakaintindi..
Naisip ng babae na kahit anong klaseng paliwanag pa ang sabihin niya ay hindi pa rin nila maiintindihan, hindi pa rin nila mararamdaman, hindi pa rin nila tatanggapin...
...kaya natakot siya.... natakot siya sa katotohanan....
At hanggang ngayon...patuloy siyang nagtatago sa kasinungalingan. Napuno ang isip niya ng purong kasinungalingan...kahibangan.. kaya doon namuhay ang puso niya.
Ang babaeng walang sawang pinapakinggan ang mga lait ng tao, problema ng tao, pabor ng tao, galit at tampo ng tao... ay nabuhay na para sa ibang tao.
Ang babaeng nabigyan ng napakalaking pagsubok simula pa nung bata pa siya...
Hanggang saan kaya ang kakayanin niya?
Mamumuhay ba siya nang buhat-buhat ang lahat ng kawalangyaan na iyon?
....O may papasok sa buhay niya na makakapag-pabago sa ikot ng tadhana..
Ang babaeng naging mistulang prinsesa na naghihintay sa kanyang prinsipe.. at ang prinsipe na walang sawang naglalakbay para hanapin ang prinsesa niya.
Buhay ng babaeng nabubuhay sa kurong pantasya, sa payapang mundo pero magulong katauhan.
Hanggang kailan niya matitiis ang sakit?
Bibigay ba siya? O bibigat?
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
24- What's On My Mind 2
November 23, 2015- 10:34 P.M
"What's on my random mind?"
So what's on my random mind tonight? Well, to be exact, I really don't know.
Somehow I got a feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Why do I feel like this?
I don't know. This is new to me and I think that I'm pushing myself to the limits.
My body suddenly wants to change by adjusting in the environment. Less touch, less hugs,
less focus of you. More time on self, more on time for everybody besides her. It's really
painful but I can't control myself from doing it. Just why my mind planned this? Without
the permission of my heart.
Time passed by, our hearts grew more distant with each other. Every time I see you, I want to hug or tease you.
But my body said I have to lessen it... so that
I will not be falling so hard on you, like what happen to my friend. Yes, I do really love you.
I'm so inlove that I wanted to do anything to make you happy... I'm ready and willing to
make myself look fool just for you.
During the APEC week, well of course we have no classes at that week. My best friend and I
had a long time chit chats and confessions. At that week, I discovered that she also have
fallen to a girl, but luckily that girl loves HER too. As for me, I got really happy and
relieved because I can now share anything about this feeling of mine to her. So I told
everything about us... about how did we meet, how on earth did I fell in love with you,
about how I survived those pain and jealousy every time that I got to see you with someone.
My best friend was amazed about the endurance and patience that I have. She said that if she
was in that situation, she'll probably die in pain. Well, I thank all those past experiences that
I've encountered, I can now control my emotions and learn from it. My best friend asked me, why
I can't confess my feelings to you. Well, it's because I'm scared about what will happen after that.
I know you're confused, but I still don't know if you could accept a feeling like mine. I don't want
to confess because I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that you might hate me. I'm scared that we
might get awkward with each other, and I don't want THAT to happen. So I've decided that... I should
just keep this feelings of mine inside my heart and wait till it becomes a memory.
"What's on my random mind?"
So what's on my random mind tonight? Well, to be exact, I really don't know.
Somehow I got a feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Why do I feel like this?
I don't know. This is new to me and I think that I'm pushing myself to the limits.
My body suddenly wants to change by adjusting in the environment. Less touch, less hugs,
less focus of you. More time on self, more on time for everybody besides her. It's really
painful but I can't control myself from doing it. Just why my mind planned this? Without
the permission of my heart.
Time passed by, our hearts grew more distant with each other. Every time I see you, I want to hug or tease you.
But my body said I have to lessen it... so that
I will not be falling so hard on you, like what happen to my friend. Yes, I do really love you.
I'm so inlove that I wanted to do anything to make you happy... I'm ready and willing to
make myself look fool just for you.
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| https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/ |
had a long time chit chats and confessions. At that week, I discovered that she also have
fallen to a girl, but luckily that girl loves HER too. As for me, I got really happy and
relieved because I can now share anything about this feeling of mine to her. So I told
everything about us... about how did we meet, how on earth did I fell in love with you,
about how I survived those pain and jealousy every time that I got to see you with someone.
My best friend was amazed about the endurance and patience that I have. She said that if she
was in that situation, she'll probably die in pain. Well, I thank all those past experiences that
I've encountered, I can now control my emotions and learn from it. My best friend asked me, why
I can't confess my feelings to you. Well, it's because I'm scared about what will happen after that.
I know you're confused, but I still don't know if you could accept a feeling like mine. I don't want
to confess because I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that you might hate me. I'm scared that we
might get awkward with each other, and I don't want THAT to happen. So I've decided that... I should
just keep this feelings of mine inside my heart and wait till it becomes a memory.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
23- The Life of Being Gray
"Being gray is being neutral in life, often to point of being indifferent."
Life nowadays can be compared in many different things. It can be compared to a color, food, people, event, place etc. As we can see, life has so many metaphors, that's why being alive has been very interesting so far.
One of the metaphors of life is colors. As what the others said, colors gives life to people. Colors gives the utmost meaning or definition of life. Our favorite colors gives the meaning of our life. Bit what if your favorite color is colorless? Gray to be exact. Is gray considered as a color at all? Even if gray means colorless, no life and boring?
Well whatever people may say, I still love gray. Because gray was the only color whom I'm compatible with. Gray has the true definition of my life. A mixture of white and black colors, symbolizing my light and dark personalities, turning to a very boring person. My life has been very gray until now. I've been very confused about myself. I still don't whose the real me and those people around me. No one knows whose side am I. No one knows the 'real' me; even my parents don't know. Only God knows.
According to the website 'empower-yourself-with-color-psychology', gray means being motionless and emotionless. Being stable, calm and subdued. Gray shows neutrality, it doesn't take sides. Being neutral sometimes makes gray be indifferent with others. But tries its best to enlighten and save others.
As you can see, the definition of gray was exactly the same as mine. It's creepy yet amazing. It's like, we really are meant for each other.
Life nowadays can be compared in many different things. It can be compared to a color, food, people, event, place etc. As we can see, life has so many metaphors, that's why being alive has been very interesting so far.One of the metaphors of life is colors. As what the others said, colors gives life to people. Colors gives the utmost meaning or definition of life. Our favorite colors gives the meaning of our life. Bit what if your favorite color is colorless? Gray to be exact. Is gray considered as a color at all? Even if gray means colorless, no life and boring?
Well whatever people may say, I still love gray. Because gray was the only color whom I'm compatible with. Gray has the true definition of my life. A mixture of white and black colors, symbolizing my light and dark personalities, turning to a very boring person. My life has been very gray until now. I've been very confused about myself. I still don't whose the real me and those people around me. No one knows whose side am I. No one knows the 'real' me; even my parents don't know. Only God knows.
According to the website 'empower-yourself-with-color-psychology', gray means being motionless and emotionless. Being stable, calm and subdued. Gray shows neutrality, it doesn't take sides. Being neutral sometimes makes gray be indifferent with others. But tries its best to enlighten and save others.
As you can see, the definition of gray was exactly the same as mine. It's creepy yet amazing. It's like, we really are meant for each other.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
22- What's on my Mind?
October 11, 2015, Sunday, 1:37 A.M
"What's on your mind?"
Since I can't sleep, I will just share to you what am I thinking right now.
To: That One Person Whom I Thinking About Right Now
After watching such pleasurable videos, I stalk some of your pictures, account and blogs. I've read all our past conversations. Having to do all of these things got me realized that I really still love you. God knows how much I'm deeply inlove with you. This is not an effect of having insomnia, but it came truthfully in my heart. Thinking that you can't be mine and I can't be yours, my tears flows. Can't handle that simple yet harsh reality. "I wish I didn't met you, so that I won't be feeling this crappy feeling." But, it's too late. Who am I to decide the time and fate noh? Maybe God wanted me to feel this, to become more human. But going too afar from being human, makes me want to be just a dead corpse.
I don't know why am I crying because of you. I thought I have moved on from what you did to me, but I guess I'm still not. The pain of leaving me, the pain of tossing aside my feelings, still didn't removed in my heart and mind. Why is it so hard for me to erase you in my life? Do you use such nullification magic or any invisible magic or defense magic? Am I just being offensive? I doubt that.
I'm just a mere friend of yours, but your special one of mine. So I can't avoid the fact that I'm getting jealous when you're showing your kinkiness because of someone. I'm mad to that person whose making you feel somehow intimate. I envy your best friends. Those people whom you always brag have marked in my mind, and mind my always says, "How lucky those low-life creatures are. Having to join the Supreme Being everytime. It must be a heavenly feeling."
I don't want you to be with them. I want you to be with me, you're all mine, is what I want to say. But I have limitations. Stepping aside beyond the borderline is very risky, that's why I know my limits.
You've broke too many promises and told many promisory excuses. It's very exasperating but I still accept each and those because I love you. Even if you don't loved me back, I still continue on loving with you, just why am I like this?
I always think if this world is at fault or it's just me thinking so deeply because it's the effect of 2:00 A.M madness. Even now, I still feel the pain you've carved into me. You'll probably don't know why am I blaming you for all of this shiz. If you want to know the answer, search for it. You'll probably know if you started to get bored and reminisce some part of your life. Don't be bothered apologizing to me... Because since that day you left me, I... Have....F..***** Despised you. That's why don't try to apologize because it won't change anything, you can't reset the time. I'll make you feel the despair, the sorrow and loneliness I have felt since the day you left me.
Mark my words... Is what I want to say but I'm just kidding, I'm not going that far. I'm just being a little dramatic though. But, it's true that I have despised you ever since. For 2 years, I have been suffering to your enormous power and effect inside me. In the 2 years of our friendship, you just tossed me around, and made me exchange for a rich ugly douchebag.
Now I'm getting sleepy. I do hope that this night will make me remove my anxiety and no sense feelings about you. But even if I despise you, I really want to say this things to you:
"Hey, you know that I really love you. I thought that it would be just a friendship feeling but I think my heart won't want that. I love you, I like you. I love all everything about you. You've made tell this far because....because you were so..."
So yah, that's all! Cheers to your cold feelings for me.
"What's on your mind?"
Since I can't sleep, I will just share to you what am I thinking right now.
To: That One Person Whom I Thinking About Right Now
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| http://img.picturequotes.com/ |
I don't know why am I crying because of you. I thought I have moved on from what you did to me, but I guess I'm still not. The pain of leaving me, the pain of tossing aside my feelings, still didn't removed in my heart and mind. Why is it so hard for me to erase you in my life? Do you use such nullification magic or any invisible magic or defense magic? Am I just being offensive? I doubt that.
I'm just a mere friend of yours, but your special one of mine. So I can't avoid the fact that I'm getting jealous when you're showing your kinkiness because of someone. I'm mad to that person whose making you feel somehow intimate. I envy your best friends. Those people whom you always brag have marked in my mind, and mind my always says, "How lucky those low-life creatures are. Having to join the Supreme Being everytime. It must be a heavenly feeling."
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| http://data.whicdn.com/images/33784535/original.jpg |
I don't want you to be with them. I want you to be with me, you're all mine, is what I want to say. But I have limitations. Stepping aside beyond the borderline is very risky, that's why I know my limits.
You've broke too many promises and told many promisory excuses. It's very exasperating but I still accept each and those because I love you. Even if you don't loved me back, I still continue on loving with you, just why am I like this?
I always think if this world is at fault or it's just me thinking so deeply because it's the effect of 2:00 A.M madness. Even now, I still feel the pain you've carved into me. You'll probably don't know why am I blaming you for all of this shiz. If you want to know the answer, search for it. You'll probably know if you started to get bored and reminisce some part of your life. Don't be bothered apologizing to me... Because since that day you left me, I... Have....F..***** Despised you. That's why don't try to apologize because it won't change anything, you can't reset the time. I'll make you feel the despair, the sorrow and loneliness I have felt since the day you left me.
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| http://38.media.tumblr.com/ |
Now I'm getting sleepy. I do hope that this night will make me remove my anxiety and no sense feelings about you. But even if I despise you, I really want to say this things to you:
"Hey, you know that I really love you. I thought that it would be just a friendship feeling but I think my heart won't want that. I love you, I like you. I love all everything about you. You've made tell this far because....because you were so..."
So yah, that's all! Cheers to your cold feelings for me.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
21- To The One That I Fell For
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| http://pa1.narvii.com/5615/27c891fa2ba24ae48cceb1ca1b9d98681c390699_hq.gif |
"You got me frozen in my tracks. Why do you have such great effect in me but I don't have an effect to you? It's so unfair, it made me look like a fool."
"It feels like I'm craving for a food or a thing that is impossible for me to have one. I can't reach your gracefulness nor even your cloth (kidding). I'm like a shadow of yours, I'm always beside you but you never care, you cannot see what I see and feel what I feel."
"When I'm wide awake, you're no trouble sleeping. When I'm all choked up, you're okay. You don't even realize that one is still inlove while you're leaving.... Oh, I'm falling to pieces."
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| http://38.media.tumblr.com/ |
"You left me with no love, no love to my name. But even if these things kept on repeating and happening in my life, I'm still alive and barely breathing. But I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. Each and everyday I think of you. Holding back the tears with all my might. Because you're gone and left me standing all alone, and I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own again."
"I shouldn't feel this way but agh... I don't know what to do with it. I always think "How can something so wrong, feel so right all along? How could the time be wrong for a love to came along? How can love let it go when it has no place to go?" I can't go along pretending that love isn't here to stay."
"I see you, beside me but it's only a matter of dream and a vision of what it supposed to be."
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| http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m77ra5Pztg1qe9n38o1_500.gif |
"If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on the earth I could be, you'll see me...waiting.... for a shuttle bus to come and get away from you... JUST KIDDING!"
"Whatever it is you're doing right now, I do hope that you're happy with it. If you even need me for a good reason and purpose, then I'll be right here....waiting... For a shuttle bus to come and get away from you... Kidding again."
"Anyway, cheers to my warm feelings and your cold feelings!! ❤️
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| KANPAI !! (CHEERS!!) http://sharkvsbear.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/gifs_jan_003.gif |
20- Best Pie
"Hey there, my beloved my bestfriend. How's your life going? I haven't seen you and talk to you for a months already. I miss you so much.
"We were in our Kindergarten days when I first saw you. We didn't talk that much because you're so quiet and awkward... One year have passed and we became grade schoolers."
"As far as I can remember, our friendship started because I gave you a one sheet of paper. I really thanked the odds for that one sheet of paper though."
"I didn't even expect that we're neighbors. How small the world could be? I never knew that fate would want us to be more close. But I've never ever regretted that you came to my life to become my best friend."
"You're so cool in many different aspects. You're sociable, playful and funny. You look boyish, but you have the heart of a maiden."
"We're complete opposites actually. You're a little bit short, I'm tall. You're white, I'm brown (black is too much). You're pretty, I'm cute lelz. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. You're thin, I'm sexy lololololol.... Just kidding. But you know, being complete opposites was a good thing because we easily know the things that we should improve. All of these things were the reason why we became a perfect duo."
"We are a strong duo. No one could stop us nor win on us. We have the strongest bond than anyone else. Long distance and studies was not an option to end our friendship."
"Even if we don't see each other sometimes, you'll always remain in my heart and in my mind. And I do hope that you'll do the same thing."
"I'm very thankful to God that you became my friend and oh! We became the sweetest and the bestest pie in the world!!! "
"I hope that you'll stay the same and I wish that our friendship will last much stronger than before! I love you and I miss you. I hope to meet you and talk to you soon. Cheers!! 😁👏❤️
"We were in our Kindergarten days when I first saw you. We didn't talk that much because you're so quiet and awkward... One year have passed and we became grade schoolers."
"As far as I can remember, our friendship started because I gave you a one sheet of paper. I really thanked the odds for that one sheet of paper though."
"I didn't even expect that we're neighbors. How small the world could be? I never knew that fate would want us to be more close. But I've never ever regretted that you came to my life to become my best friend."
"You're so cool in many different aspects. You're sociable, playful and funny. You look boyish, but you have the heart of a maiden."
"We're complete opposites actually. You're a little bit short, I'm tall. You're white, I'm brown (black is too much). You're pretty, I'm cute lelz. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. You're thin, I'm sexy lololololol.... Just kidding. But you know, being complete opposites was a good thing because we easily know the things that we should improve. All of these things were the reason why we became a perfect duo."
"We are a strong duo. No one could stop us nor win on us. We have the strongest bond than anyone else. Long distance and studies was not an option to end our friendship."
"Even if we don't see each other sometimes, you'll always remain in my heart and in my mind. And I do hope that you'll do the same thing."
"I'm very thankful to God that you became my friend and oh! We became the sweetest and the bestest pie in the world!!! "
"I hope that you'll stay the same and I wish that our friendship will last much stronger than before! I love you and I miss you. I hope to meet you and talk to you soon. Cheers!! 😁👏❤️
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
19- A Message For Goldilocks
"Hey there, Goldilocks. You're so sweet in every aspects, that's why many people loves you including me."
"When I first saw you, I really thought that you're a foreigner because of your unusual cool curly hair. Before I could greet you, it took me 5 minutes to gather up my courage (because I'm bad at taking initiatives). We've shake hands, we smile with each other and greeted ourselves with 'Hi'."
"We had our first dinner and first conversation in the lounge. And in that time, I realized that you're not a full-pledge or even a half foreigner. You’re a Lucena girl, ‘laking- probinsya’ and yet you’re so rich lol! I remember our first conversation was all about being homesick and missing the homemade cooking of our mothers. You’re so easy to talk with, you’re very approachable also. You’ve even told us about your love life and its hardship.”
“What I like about you is that you’re very approachable. You’re
very open in any kind of conversations and you’re very charming too. You have a
great and awesome taste when it comes to fashion and stuff (I think?), so do at
the foods also. I also like the way you sing (I'm not being sarcastic here), you're voice is so adorable (pampa-good vibes) even if it's out of tune (lol, I'm sorry)."
“Behind the cute, beautiful and adorable face lies the very deep craziness and naughtiness of your attitude. I have a lot of evidences to prove that you’re really crazy, but despite that, I still enjoy being with you. Your craziness is also infectious, that’s why we’re so noisy at the room sometimes. To be honest, sometimes I get scared (not literally) when you're 'high' or energetic, made me thought "Oh no, here she comes again." but I didn't mean that in a bad way."
"You've become my teacher in LRT's and MRT's, in fashion, in malls and lots of stuff. I've learned a lot and I've discovered a lot of things because of you and I really thank you for that. It's very disturbing for me when I see you depressed or sad, because I'm used to see you being cheerful and jolly. It's more comfortable and soothing to see you smile, to hear you laugh, to make you happy."
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| https://avvesione.files.wordpress.com |
"When I first saw you, I really thought that you're a foreigner because of your unusual cool curly hair. Before I could greet you, it took me 5 minutes to gather up my courage (because I'm bad at taking initiatives). We've shake hands, we smile with each other and greeted ourselves with 'Hi'."
"We had our first dinner and first conversation in the lounge. And in that time, I realized that you're not a full-pledge or even a half foreigner. You’re a Lucena girl, ‘laking- probinsya’ and yet you’re so rich lol! I remember our first conversation was all about being homesick and missing the homemade cooking of our mothers. You’re so easy to talk with, you’re very approachable also. You’ve even told us about your love life and its hardship.”
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| http://images6.fanpop.com/image/answers/ |
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| http://data1.whicdn.com/images/47133285/large.gif |
“Behind the cute, beautiful and adorable face lies the very deep craziness and naughtiness of your attitude. I have a lot of evidences to prove that you’re really crazy, but despite that, I still enjoy being with you. Your craziness is also infectious, that’s why we’re so noisy at the room sometimes. To be honest, sometimes I get scared (not literally) when you're 'high' or energetic, made me thought "Oh no, here she comes again." but I didn't mean that in a bad way."
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| Cutie :3 |
"We do have a little arguments sometimes, but I'm really thankful that it's not that worst. I apologize that I'm being rude and weird sometimes (or maybe always). I'm sorry for teasing and bullying you? for being small (lol). But you know, even if you're small, you're so strong. You're a strong-willed person, I could even sense justice on you. You're so innocent that it makes me really feel guilty when I'm thinking about green stuffs."
"I do hope that you'll stay the same we we're to meet in the future. Don't forget me when the time comes that we will part ways. I won't forget you until my last breath (hanudaww? hahaha), and I do hope that you'll do the same thing (but I'm not forcing you to do so). Stay pretty, awesome, beautiful, crazy, and strong! Cheers!
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