22- What's on my Mind?

October 11, 2015, Sunday, 1:37 A.M
"What's on your mind?" 

Since I can't sleep, I will just share to you what am I thinking right now.

To: That One Person Whom I Thinking About Right Now

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After watching such pleasurable videos, I stalk some of your pictures, account and blogs. I've read all our past conversations. Having to do all of these things got me realized that I really still love you. God knows how much I'm deeply inlove with you. This is not an effect of having insomnia, but it came truthfully in my heart. Thinking that you can't be mine and I can't be yours, my tears flows. Can't handle that simple yet harsh reality. "I wish I didn't met you, so that I won't be feeling this crappy feeling." But, it's too late. Who am I to decide the time and fate noh? Maybe God wanted me to feel this, to become more human. But going too afar from being human, makes me want to be just a dead corpse.

I don't know why am I crying because of you. I thought I have moved on from what you did to me, but I guess I'm still not. The pain of leaving me, the pain of tossing aside my feelings, still didn't removed in my heart and mind. Why is it so hard for me to erase you in my life? Do you use such nullification magic or any invisible magic or defense magic? Am I just being offensive? I doubt that.

I'm just a mere friend of yours, but your special one of mine. So I can't avoid the fact that I'm getting jealous when you're showing your kinkiness because of someone. I'm mad to that person whose making you feel somehow intimate. I envy your best friends. Those people whom you always brag have marked in my mind, and mind my always says, "How lucky those low-life creatures are. Having to join the Supreme Being everytime. It must be a heavenly feeling." 

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I don't want you to be with them. I want you to be with me, you're all mine, is what I want to say. But I have limitations. Stepping aside beyond the borderline is very risky, that's why I know my limits.

You've broke too many promises and told many promisory excuses. It's very exasperating but I still accept each and those because I love you. Even if you don't loved me back, I still continue on loving with you, just why am I like this?

I always think if this world is at fault or it's just me thinking so deeply because it's the effect of 2:00 A.M madness. Even now, I still feel the pain you've carved into me. You'll probably don't know why am I blaming you for all of this shiz. If you want to know the answer, search for it. You'll probably know if you started to get bored and reminisce some part of your life. Don't be bothered apologizing to me... Because since that day you left me, I... Have....F..***** Despised you. That's why don't try to apologize because it won't change anything, you can't reset the time. I'll make you feel the despair, the sorrow and loneliness I have felt since the day you left me.

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Mark my words... Is what I want to say but I'm just kidding, I'm not going that far. I'm just being a little dramatic though. But, it's true that I have despised you ever since. For 2 years, I have been suffering to your enormous power and effect inside me. In the 2 years of our friendship, you just tossed me around, and made me exchange for a rich ugly douchebag.

Now I'm getting sleepy. I do hope that this night will make me remove my anxiety and no sense feelings about you. But even if I despise you, I really want to say this things to you:

"Hey, you know that I really love you. I thought that it would be just a friendship feeling but I think my heart won't want that. I love you, I like you. I love all everything about you. You've made tell this far because....because you were so..."

So yah, that's all! Cheers to your cold feelings for me.